RUN FORREST RUN

A couple of weeks ago my son- a newbie driver - followed Dave to the gas station so Dave could get him some gas, my son got pulled over and Dave called me LAUGHING his ASS off.  I told him it wasn't funny and to go to the cop car.  He said "NO WAY, am I walking up to the COP CAR"  we had a big "discussion" about how I would've gone up to the cop car, and how Dave said he would NEVER do that.

Last night we had my parents over for dinner and Dave and my dad were drinking their beers, I'm not drinking at all - well-my water :).  My neighbor text's and says come over when your parents leave and have some drinks.  Dawson is at the bike park and I need to pick him up at 10:00, he had called and asked if Tyler (never met him) and Issac could spend the night and I said "yes."  I called him at 8:45 and said "can I come get you now because I'm going to a party and I want to have a couple drinks?"
He says "NO, PICK ME UP AT 10:00"
I say to Dave "can you pick them up?"
he says "NO. I've already had 6 beers"
"Fine lets go to the neighbors and then I will come back and get Dawson and his friends"
the lights at the bike park turn OFF at 10:00pm
We walk to the neighbors about 10 houses up and Dave has 3 more beers and I have 1 1/2 and I say "we have to go, I have to get Dawson and his friends."
Dave finishes his beer and we walk home, at this time Dawson has called and said "the lights are off are you coming?"
"yep on my way."
I get into the car and start thinking about DJ snapping at a kid at the party- not hurting him, but I was thinking maybe we should've talked to his parents about it right -then and there.  I called to talk to Dave about and Devon answers the phone - "HELLLLLOOOOOOO"
I say "let me talk to your dad"
Devon starts screaming for his dad -and I get this idea in my head to tell Dave I got pulled over. (I'm so damn mean)
he gets on the phone "what??"
I say in a low voice "I'm getting pulled over"
he says "do you have something to put into your mouth?"
I wanted to laugh but I she "oh my god -no"
he says "you are going to have to deal with this."
I said "who is going to get Dawson?.... Oh I have to go" I hang up on him.  I start laughing to myself thinking well he wont drive, and he wont let Devon drive him I will call him back when I'm at the bike park while the kids are loading.
I get to the bike park and Dawson comes to the car and these 2 guys (I know them, but I'm not using their names) GROWN ASS MEN both in their late 30's- one has kids watching- are fighting in the parking lot - not throwing down yet, but SCREAMING at each other and circling each other.  Dawson says "dad said you got pulled over"
I said "I was joking- what's going on here?"
Dawson said "they have been doing this for hours"
his guy walks over to my car and says "this is crazy, one of them hit the other-ones kid and they crashed, so he told the other guy you're not a good dad because you're not watching your kids, and they are both in trouble with the cops so both of them are waiting for the other to punch first"
I said "are those his kids watching this shit?"
the guy said "yep - great role models"
I yell out "GO HOME"
the guy says "they aren't going to listen, and the cop is just sitting right there watching them anyways"
I look over and the cop turns his lights on and comes over I hear him say "what are you guys fighting over?" the whole gang of people start talking and the cop puts his hand out and says "ONE AT A TIME"
I have forgotten about my little joke I pulled, and Dawson starts telling me what happened that they are fighting over.  Dawson phone rings - I say "oh shit, don't answer it." Dawson declines it.
he says "I'm calling my dad and telling him you are joking, he is probably worried about you"
Dawson friends are in the back and Dawson is in the front.  Dawson calls Dave "Hey, mom was joking"
I cant hear what Dave is says but Dawson says "mom is stupid"
I say "HEY!!"
I take the phone from him and Dave says "I ran to Hess and Jordan looking for you."
I said "WHAT??? YOU RAN???"
he says "YES - I RAN!!!!!"
"honey I'm so sorry I'm almost there I will pick you up"
he says "DO NOT PICK ME UP!!!"
and he hangs up.  I say to the boys "I'm in BIG TROUBLE"
Dawson says "you're stupid"
I say "I KNOW"
we pull onto Hess and Dave is walking I pull over and he says "GO HOME MEGAN."
I say "NO, I WILL PULL UP-- AND YOU WILL GET IN THE CAR."
he says "NO - GO HOME."
so I pull up and turn around so I'm off of Hess (because it's a busy road)
we look down the street and Dave is gone - look up the street and Dave is gone.  Dawson gets out and I say "he is hiding in the bushes"
Dawson is kind-of scared because he has no clue what his dad is doing so he turns on the flash light on his phone and he can see Dave hiding and says "GET IN THE CAR."
Dave says "NO"
Dawson says "GET IN THE DAMN CAR."
Issac says "is this a normal night?"
I said "yep - hangin with the Foster's"
Dawson says "GET IN THE CAR."
Dave comes out of the bushes and looks at me and says "I'M NOT GETTING IN THE CAR, LET ME WALK AND COOL OFF."
I think to myself ....."oh shit - YOU IN BIG TROUBLE"
so the other kid in the car Tyler (who I just met) is in silence, does NOT know what to say or do.  Dawson gets into the car and says "he is MAD at you, do you think you will get divorced over this? If you do Devon and I will make your "NEW LIFE" with your "NEW FAMILIES" a living hell"
I say "Dawson we wont get divorced over this."
he says "this was stupid mom, don't do this again."
"I KNOW"  I get home park the car and start running, I run ...and run until I see Dave and then I run faster, I get to him - "I'm SO SO SO SORRY, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I THINK YOU WOULD RUN LIKE FORREST GUMP."
He laughs a little and hugs me.
I said "what were you going to do???  you don't go up to cops."
and through the tears he said "I don't know, I was so scared for you, I just wanted to be there for you.  I couldn't get into the car because I was so emotional"
I felt like a piece of shit, I BIG HUGE PIECE OF SHIT.
I apologized all the way home - and when he got home I said "REALLY??? You start running??? You don't run!!"
He says "I know, I think I should start, I almost passed out twice and had to stop once because I thought I was going to throw up"
Poor guy....NEVER doing that again he told me that one of my "JOKES" is actually going to make him have a heart-attack, and then I will REALLY feel like shit.
He is pretty sore today from his running...... but at least he is laughing about it today :)

Really??? the mad man has a bicycle pump???

 

My husband - the guy that waves to everyone that drives by. My husband- the one who married a LOUD person and she raised LOUD kids and he wants us to "BE QUITE" so we don't bother the neighbors. My husband - nice to everyone. My husband - who is trying to get everyone to stop cussing.  My husband - LOST HIS SHIT!!

My husband has Wednesdays and Thursdays off.  On Tuesday we kept calling each other and both saying that we wanted to spend some time together, so I moved my day around so I could have time him JUST HIM!!!  We wake up Wednesday morning and he says "I think I should go into work for a couple of hours, I'm so behind on everything"
I'm a little pissed because I moved my day around, but I could tell he was stressed and really what fun would it be hanging out with the stressed guy???  I said "fine, go to work, I'm going to need your help tomorrow morning (Thursday) at the store (we own a home decor store)"
He says "fine, I have NO plans tomorrow."
We go our separate ways and meet back later in the afternoon, he is cranky and I'm always a bitch so when that mix is going on it's better if I just stay away from him - because we fight over STUPID STUPID STUPID SHIT!!!!  So I hear him outside and he yells "SHIT"  I come to the window "what's wrong with you?"
"can you come out here so we can talk."
In my mind I'm thinking "WHAT NOW!!!" but I say "what's wrong??"
he says "this realtor has to meet me tomorrow morning"
I look at him and say "NO!!!"  I think the FUCKING END... the answer is NO
he says "I cant say NO, they want to buy and she is going out of town....." and I hear nothing else but BLAH....BLAH.....BLAG DEE FUCKING BLAH!!!
I turn and walk back into the house and he knows I'm pissed.  He yells "COME HERE"
"NOPE, you said you would help me in the morning"
I walk in and start looking at my magazine thinking - I can get the store ready- I don't need him.
He says "I will get up and back ASAP"
me - "Whatever"
so we get over it, well I get over it - have dinner go to bed.
In the morning Dave is running around trying to get ready for work and so am I - but I'm really not helping him because I have to go to work also- and I'm still kind-of mad.
he comes running up to me "kiss me I have to go" I give him a kiss and say "BYE"
the window is open in the office and I'm going over my emails, I hear a weird noise outside and I see Dave get out of his car and go to the passenger side of his car and I look and the tire is FLAT.  I hear him yell out "FUCK"
I go outside - he looks at me and says "I need your car, can I take your car and you can get a ride with Kim?"
I say "Nope, I need my car, and I'm not putting Kim out."
he HUFFS at me "are you fucking kidding me" turn around goes to his car and starts taking everything out - and then he gets into another rage of madness and throws one of the things out of his car "FUCK" and this is when it gets good......
He then goes into the garage and grabs the bicycle pump and starts pumping his tire - I'm no genius but isn't that going to take awhile and he is out there pumping away - like a crazy 6'3" 220 pound guy would do - just loosing his mind cussing up a STORM- the kids across from us are now out - and I'm watching from my window laughing my ASS off - he looks up and he is a crazy man MAD....so I say to him "just take my car you crazy ass"
he then takes the bicycle pump and chucks it into the yard.
Me- still laughing
he comes in like I'm giving him the golden ticket when I hand him the keys.  I says "wish I would've gotten a picture of you pumping the tire up with a bicycle pump"
Dave-"thats not funny"
Me- "have a GREAT DAY!!!"

DAMN HORNET!!

Hubby and I got up early this morning, because yet again we have a little side job we are starting....ANY-WHO!!!.... We go get this thing off of Craigslist bring it back to the store.  I go open the front door of our store and Dave is driving around to the back, I open the big garage door and yell out "I have to pee, I will be right back"  I do my thing and Dave is unloading this piece of furniture and I swear out of NO WHERE it feels like someone stabs me in the bicep.  I start SCREAMING and grab my arm and bend over, Dave goes "WHAT....WHAT'S WRONG"
I scream "I DON'T KNOW" I take my hand off my arm and there's a little black thing and I think to myself "is that a little bug?" then my elbow I start SCREAMING and RUNNING (this is in my parking lot at my store) Dave is following me but not running just trying to get me to STOP---- I would say he was trotting.
I SCREAM AGAIN "SOMETHING IS BITING THE CRAP OUT OF ME"
He says " there is NOTHING ON YOU" and for a brief second I think to myself "am I making this shit up???' I stop and think hard "OHHHHH NOOO THIS IS REAL SHIT HERE.....I'M IN PAIN" I take my hand off my arm and it is now swelling and you can see the hole and the stab comes again and off I go....RUNNING in circles but now I take my shirt off because in my head it's in my shirt and it's biting me everywhere - I don't hear buzzing so it has to be a spider walking around my whole body just biting the crap out of me - thank goodness I had a sports bra on :)
Dave gets me to stop "WHAT THE HELL....STOP"
I say "I CANT ITS EATING ME"
he says "let me look at it"
and now I have my shirt in my hand and I'm smacking the side of the building with it - because all the spiders MUST DIE!!!!
Dave grabs the shirt "do you want my shrit?"
I say "NO, make sure they arent in there."
he looks over the shrit "they're not"
I say "turn it inside out"
I watch as he does - nothing!!!!
"WHAT THE HELL BIT ME" as I'm holding my arm trying not to cry
and he looks at all the hornets flying around the back of the store, he says "a hornet"
I'M ALLERGIC TO BEE'S so in my mind (again) HORNETS are the same.  I say "where's my benadryl?" - so we start digging through the truck trying to find it - finally found it- I take 3 - and say "I'm gonna have to go to the ER"
Dave says "let's just wait and see"
Have you ever been stung by a hornet before???  Why do they keep stinging?
I help him get the piece into the store and I lock up the building -on they way home I keep checking myself over, making sure my tongue isnt swelling, making sure the swelling on my bicep and elbow are pretty much staying there - i'm not talking at all and Dave says "you o-k"
"No I'm in pain"
I get home and grab my medical book and start reading - it says that bee and hornet stings are different and most people are allergic to bee stings more than a hornet sting.  I started calming down, it said to put toothpaste on it - so I did, and it said to take vitamin C - so I did  and some Tylenol.  Dave left for work and called to see if I was okay and I had already went to bed - 3 benadryl's and some Tylenol is a total sleep-aid....woke up and the swelling is gone but damn that shit STILL hurts.  The whole store is getting sprayed tomorrow........DAMN HORNETS!!!!

Death by sports BRA!!!

Death by sports BRA!!!

I got a NEW under amour sports bra and it holds the girls up GOOD.  Went and taught my Jazzercise class, it worked FABULOUS!!!  Driving home I'm thinking "WOW- I need more of these bras LOVE THEM"  Get home,  ask Devon if he wants to go to the dog park with me, he says "yes, let me take a shower" actually he looks in the mirror and say "damn gurl...I cant go out like this - LOOK AT MY HAIR!!!"
So I say "I'm taking one too" (I really did say that)
I go into my bathroom and start the shower, start taking off everything and then the sports bra - I get it half way up my back not quite over my head and it stops - DOES NOT FUCKING MOVE PEOPLE - so I start wiggling, I cant get it back on- I try to move my shoulder blade thinking its stuck - NOTHING-----PANIC....I take my other hand and try to reach something - NOT MOVING I'm stuck with my right hand in the air and I get a glimpse in the mirror and start laughing - not in a GOOD WAY.  I cant move anything but my legs and my mouth so I stand there and think
"how much therapy will my kids need if I call them up here to help me out of my sports bra? - WAY TOO MUCH"
I'm pretty much naked except for the stupid damn sports bra.  I lay on the bed trying to wiggle it nothing - now I'm starting to wimp-er and I'm sweating to death because I'm running and hyper-ventilating a little bit.  I look at the time "Dave will be home in 7 hours - I can wait..." then I started wrestle with myself I felt like I was doing A LOT but really I was just violently moving my torso back and forth. I wanted to cry - but I don't- I start doing my lamaze breathing and I try to grab the back - shit I try to grab ANYTHING - finally I get it and pull as hard as I can over my head - I throw it on the ground and jump up and down on it like its a big nasty spider - I was so pissed off. 
I ALMOST DIED.... I SWEAR I DID!!!!  I know I stopped breathing a couple times.
Not me in the picture (obviously) ....betcha she had NO PROBLEM getting off this bra!!!!