NO MORE SPANX FOR ME!!!

Getting ready last night, cant find the right thing to wear - are we going out after our Anniversary dinner (of 16 years) or are we coming home because we are old and need to get some damn sleep.  I get my outfit together, and of course I have my spanx on -
Dave - "why are you wearing those hideous things"
Me- "because I have to - it smooths everything out and helps me not look so damn fat."
Dave- "I don't think you should wear that"
Me -"too bad, you are not a woman and you have NO IDEA what you are talking about."
I finally pick what I'm wearing we are off to a wonderful dinner.

We decide that we would go have 1 beer with Jocelyn for her Birthday we were pretty tired and I had told her that she had to learn the "WOBBLE" so we could dance at the bar.  We get there and it's so GREAT to see everyone - we are chit-chattin away and the DJ comes in and Jocelyn tells him we have to do the "WOBBLE" and then tells him it's are Anniversary so he needs to play it soon because -"they need to go home and have SEX!!" He buys us a around for our Anniversary and says he will play it soon.
In the meantime I go to the bathroom - I have a very hard time going to the bathroom in public, poop or pee, all the sounds in the bathroom have to be just right so I can go - that being said I think this bathroom in the WORST bathroom in Parker, CO.  I go in there another girl is in the big stall - and I ALWAYS go in the big stall, so I go in the little one, I feel like she is sitting right next to me and I could hold her hand - it smells gross- you can see many of people have thrown up in there - EWWWWWW!!!!  Sorry this story in not about the bathroom at all, I don't know why I'm even describing it in detail - it's gross and the sounds weren't right and I couldn't go - I had to go so bad that my stomach was hurting, but I just could NOT get it to happen, then I hear the DJ as I'm trying one more time to flush, so I would have the noise "WE ARE GOING TO WOBBLE- WHERE IS THAT GIRL???"
FUCKING REALLY I'm all nervous now trying to pull my pants up as fast as I could, but I have the Spanex and I was getting that in the right spot....I hear "WHERE IS SHE?????" ....SSSSHHHHIIIIITTTT, I know Dave is laughing his ass off because I'm in the shitter wishing I could pee, and he knows I can hear him asking for me.  I wash my hand real quick and run out like I was coming around the corner "THERE SHE IS!!!!" we are playing your song next girl - I ran out for THAT???  I put on my BIG smile and come and sit down next to Dave who is still laughing "HAHAHAAAAA YOU WERE IN THE SHITTER"
Me- "not funny because I didn't even go pee because the noises weren't right and now I might need to go to the store (my store) so I can fucking pee"
Dave is the type that can do his business anywhere POOP or PEE even the EXPLODING SHIT Dave can do it in public.....me--- NO, and he does NOT UNDERSTAND.
Dave- OH MY GOD you didn't go???
Me- NOPE I couldn't the noises weren't right and its gross and then I could hear him called me (of course as I'm talking my hands are flying everywhere because this is a HUGE deal for me) I just need to pee.
Dave - just get in there and go.
Me- what if I have gas, I cant go if the noise isn't right
Dave - that's stupid
Me - your stupid....UGH NEVER MIND


WOBBLE song comes on and Jocelyn, the DJ, me and this other chic are out there.  I feel like I have a little more room in my pants - and I start thinking as I'm wobble-ing how can that be because I'm bloating because I have to pee, I go to smooth my pants out and I feel it--- my fly is open, I try to zip it up, I cant the material from my jacket is in my zipper FFFUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!  I try again and everyone is looking at the stage because the birthday girl is up there and we are in a sense line dancing - but in a good way :)
 I say to Jocelyn "my damn zipper is down and my jacket is suck in it and I cant get it out"
she starts laughing so damn hard......
In this dance you move so your not facing the crowd, at that time I really start working on it - nothing - Jocelyn is laughing I'm thinking shit you can see my spanx and the whole bar is looking at us - COME ON - nothing - so I pull my shirt down so I can hide it and we turn again I see Dave looking at me, he knows something is up - he is giving me that "WHATEVER THE HELL YOU ARE DOING STOP' - face. - not facing the crowd again I try again  - NOTHING!!!  Pull everything down and wish this damn song would end - it ends.  I walk over to Dave
Dave - "what the hell are you doing lady??"
Me - "my jacket is stuck in my zipper and my zipper is DOWN"
Dave- HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - "that's funny - you couldn't see anything while you were dancing"
Me- "are you sure?"
Dave - "yes, I watched you the whole time"
as we are talking I get the zipper free and zip it up....the rest of the night I was worried about the zipper so I kept messing with it.  Time to go (because I still have to PEE) say good-bye to everyone, get in the car and Dave says "we have to talk about something."
Me- "what??"
Dave - "as your best friend for 18 years and your husband for 16 years I have to tell you NO MORE SPANX it makes you look like you have a diaper on - with a pile of shit in your diaper -  like the old people I help everyday - it looks like you have no butt crack, it takes your butt and flattens it - it's not attractive."
Me - "WOW, okay i will never wear them again...
Dave- "I'm just saying as your best friend - husband - as a man"
Me - "okay I get it"
Dave - "they are ugly"
Me "got it"
Dave "only old people wear those, why are you wearing them"
Me - "no, Dave not only for old people, where did you get that information, old people don't wear spanx, they don't care"
Dave - "well you cant wear that anymore"
Me "old grandma butt .....REALLY???"
Dave "YEP"
Me - "Damn that sucks"
Dave "YEP" 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vTIY0xHBUg - WOBBLE
NO MORE SPANX FOR ME.....THANK GOD!!!!!!